Hope

We had our first prenatal visit with a sonographer and then my midwife on Friday, October 15. I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I wore my "not finding out" t-shirt that I had made, and Dylan wore his big brother shirt. We knew something was wrong by how quiet the sonographer was. She asked if we were positive about how far along I was. She didn't even give me a picture. When the midwife came in to talk with us, she said the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 4 days with a heartbeat of only 88 (should be at least over 100)and the was a small bleed between the placenta and baby called a subchorionic hematoma. The midwife basically said that she thought i would miscarry over the weekend and told me how much blood to expect. They had me get some blood drawn to check my HCG and progesterone levels. Unfortunately, since it was a Friday, I was on bedrest all weekend and didn't get the results unil Monday morning. The results came back at very good levels, so they had me get my blood drawn again to test for the rise in hormone levels. The levels did rise, so we had hope that when we went back on friday for another sonogram that the baby would have grown. Unfortunately, when we saw the little flicker on the screen, I could tell that it was still beating very slowly. The sonographer (a new one this time, thank goodness) talked us through everything she was doing and everything she saw. The baby was still measuring 6 weeks 4 days and still had a heartbeat of 88 beats per minute and the subchorionic hematoma was still there, even though I still had not had any spotting or bleeding.

James has been saying that he knew this baby was a girl, so I have been referring to her as Hope. I had a lot of hope that she would start to grow and that by some miracle the baby was just got a slow start on developing. It is a very weird feeling to be going about my day waiting to miscarry, waiting for your child's heart to stop beating. I know that things happen for a reason, and I have dealt with the news remarkably well. At this point I am ready for my body to do its thing naturally so that my body can get back to normal so that we can try again.

I would be 10 weeks today, and technically, I am still pregnant. We go back to the doctor Friday to do another size/ heartrate check. It is heartbreaking everytime because you can't help but still hold a glimmer of hope that things will miraculously turn around, however, at this point, my little Hope is already 3.5 weeks behind in development, and it is not looking good. I am ready to let her go. I love her, and she is my child, but she is just not ready to join us yet.

Waiting and Thinking

I have been thinking about my Grandma a lot lately. I have tried so hard to just not think about her so that I wouldn't be sad, but this pregnancy and all of the awesome things that Dylan does make me want to call her or send her pictures. My mom cries everyday, and I understand, she lost her mom, and a huge part of her everyday life. She talked to my grandma several times a day. They were very close. And, although I am only 6 weeks along, I am trying to play around with baby names. I just don't want to be thinking about naming a child after my grandma, because there can be no way that she is gone. She is going to come to Texas like she did after Dylan was born and stay with me, right? I had a memorial candle that I lit when I got home from Seattle for her funeral and it went out yesterday. That was really hard for me because for over a week it was like she was with me every time I saw that candle burning. Now the candle has burned out and the Elton John song "Candle in the Wind" is playing in my mind. I miss her. I miss her for me and I miss her for my mom, and Dylan, and this new baby. It will be a long road ahead...

About the pregnancy- Now that I am a stay-at-home-mom, I have nothing to think about but playing with Dylan, housework, and this pregnancy, which means it feels like this pregnancy will last forever, like time is going by sooooooo slllooooowwwwlllyyyy. I am 6 weeks, 2 days as of today and will have my first doctors appointment on October 15 at 8 weeks, 2 days. That is two weeks from today. It still feels like forever away. Part of me wants to get excited about being pregnant, but part of me is still worried until i see that the baby looks normal and is in the right spot, and growing the way he or she is supposed to be growing. And the he or she part will be here for a while because James and I have decided not to find out our baby's gender until he or she is born. I am nervous but super excited about it. I remember with Dylan that the first trimester went by super slowly, and then the second zoomed by and then the last few weeks seemed like forever, especially that last week when I was past my due date. This time I am actually hoping to be a week late again because it would give me my June baby. I am due May 25, but if I were a week late again, the baby would be born June 1st. I just feel a connection with June, my grandma's birthday was June 22 and if we would have gotten pregnant one month later, I would have been due on her birthday. I would still really like to have that June baby..... for her.