Waiting and Thinking

I have been thinking about my Grandma a lot lately. I have tried so hard to just not think about her so that I wouldn't be sad, but this pregnancy and all of the awesome things that Dylan does make me want to call her or send her pictures. My mom cries everyday, and I understand, she lost her mom, and a huge part of her everyday life. She talked to my grandma several times a day. They were very close. And, although I am only 6 weeks along, I am trying to play around with baby names. I just don't want to be thinking about naming a child after my grandma, because there can be no way that she is gone. She is going to come to Texas like she did after Dylan was born and stay with me, right? I had a memorial candle that I lit when I got home from Seattle for her funeral and it went out yesterday. That was really hard for me because for over a week it was like she was with me every time I saw that candle burning. Now the candle has burned out and the Elton John song "Candle in the Wind" is playing in my mind. I miss her. I miss her for me and I miss her for my mom, and Dylan, and this new baby. It will be a long road ahead...

About the pregnancy- Now that I am a stay-at-home-mom, I have nothing to think about but playing with Dylan, housework, and this pregnancy, which means it feels like this pregnancy will last forever, like time is going by sooooooo slllooooowwwwlllyyyy. I am 6 weeks, 2 days as of today and will have my first doctors appointment on October 15 at 8 weeks, 2 days. That is two weeks from today. It still feels like forever away. Part of me wants to get excited about being pregnant, but part of me is still worried until i see that the baby looks normal and is in the right spot, and growing the way he or she is supposed to be growing. And the he or she part will be here for a while because James and I have decided not to find out our baby's gender until he or she is born. I am nervous but super excited about it. I remember with Dylan that the first trimester went by super slowly, and then the second zoomed by and then the last few weeks seemed like forever, especially that last week when I was past my due date. This time I am actually hoping to be a week late again because it would give me my June baby. I am due May 25, but if I were a week late again, the baby would be born June 1st. I just feel a connection with June, my grandma's birthday was June 22 and if we would have gotten pregnant one month later, I would have been due on her birthday. I would still really like to have that June baby..... for her.