Hope

We had our first prenatal visit with a sonographer and then my midwife on Friday, October 15. I was 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I wore my "not finding out" t-shirt that I had made, and Dylan wore his big brother shirt. We knew something was wrong by how quiet the sonographer was. She asked if we were positive about how far along I was. She didn't even give me a picture. When the midwife came in to talk with us, she said the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 4 days with a heartbeat of only 88 (should be at least over 100)and the was a small bleed between the placenta and baby called a subchorionic hematoma. The midwife basically said that she thought i would miscarry over the weekend and told me how much blood to expect. They had me get some blood drawn to check my HCG and progesterone levels. Unfortunately, since it was a Friday, I was on bedrest all weekend and didn't get the results unil Monday morning. The results came back at very good levels, so they had me get my blood drawn again to test for the rise in hormone levels. The levels did rise, so we had hope that when we went back on friday for another sonogram that the baby would have grown. Unfortunately, when we saw the little flicker on the screen, I could tell that it was still beating very slowly. The sonographer (a new one this time, thank goodness) talked us through everything she was doing and everything she saw. The baby was still measuring 6 weeks 4 days and still had a heartbeat of 88 beats per minute and the subchorionic hematoma was still there, even though I still had not had any spotting or bleeding.

James has been saying that he knew this baby was a girl, so I have been referring to her as Hope. I had a lot of hope that she would start to grow and that by some miracle the baby was just got a slow start on developing. It is a very weird feeling to be going about my day waiting to miscarry, waiting for your child's heart to stop beating. I know that things happen for a reason, and I have dealt with the news remarkably well. At this point I am ready for my body to do its thing naturally so that my body can get back to normal so that we can try again.

I would be 10 weeks today, and technically, I am still pregnant. We go back to the doctor Friday to do another size/ heartrate check. It is heartbreaking everytime because you can't help but still hold a glimmer of hope that things will miraculously turn around, however, at this point, my little Hope is already 3.5 weeks behind in development, and it is not looking good. I am ready to let her go. I love her, and she is my child, but she is just not ready to join us yet.