Losing Hope

WARNING: GRAPHIC DECRIPTIONS:  We found out at 10 weeks, 2 days that the baby's heart had stopeed beating. It wasn't until two weeks later that I finally miscarried. I was shopping at Walmart with Dylan and had been having mini contractions for a few hours when i felt a gush and something there. I knew what it was.... so I rushed to the bathroom and told Dylan to sit by the wall while I situated things. There it was... right there. It didn't look like a baby per se, but i could tell it was. I could see the eye spot and what looked like a curved spine area. Knowing what it was, I couldn't just dispose of it, so I wrapped it up and put it in a plastic bag in my purse, checked out my purchases from Walmart, and went home. James and I put the baby in a ring box from our wedding (he didn't want to see the baby) and burried it in our backyard. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels didn't go back to normal until around my birthday, december 13, a little over a month after I miscarried.

I was totally fine with the idea of the miscarraige, but have had a little bit of a hard time after the fact. It has been almost 2 months now, and I get sad when I think about her due date and the things that I would be doing around that time. I get sad when I think about how pregnant I would be now, and knowing that I am not even able to try to get pregnant again yet (they want me to wait three months from when my hormones went back to normal). Dylan is fantastic, and I find it a little odd that with his amazing memory, he doesn't ever ask about the baby that was in my belly, but I know how good of a big brother he will be, and want to make him one soon. This waiting thing is terrible for me. I am a planned person when it comes to babies, and not being able to plan when it will happen is killing me. I don't know how long my cycles will be (i have only had one since the miscarraige) and so it is hard to plan for when to try, when i dont know when to expect to ovulate. I want a baby. James wants a baby. Dylan wants a baby. I can't wait to grant those wishes.